in Personal

I tried relaxing tonight with some M&M’s, popcorn, and a movie.  This week has been a long one, and I thought I would take the time to unwind a bit. I thought I would watch a movie I thought was brilliant the first time, The Fifth Element.  But I didn’t make it very far.  I just wasn’t feeling it tonight.

I’m experiencing what I would call a mild depression.  I’ve been trying to figure out whether I should say anything about it publicly.

I shared this story with a friend yesterday, but I’ll share it with you now.  I was watching a short video a few days ago where Leonard Bernstein was talking about what it takes to compose music.  He said there is a falsehood many people believe that a composer writes what they’re feeling.  He gave an example of a sad piece, and said that people believe that the composer wrote it when we was very depressed, but that they’re wrong.  If you’re depressed, he said, you’re in bed.  You’re not composing music.

This really struck a chord with me.  I’m a creative person.  There are things inside of me that I need to get set free.  It might be music, or a computer program, or some writing, maybe a poetry.  But when I’m feeling depressed, those things are more distant.  They take more effort to bring forth.  Depression silences my inner muse, if I can call it that.

Recognizing that, it makes me angry.  This last week, most mornings I’d rather stay in bed than go to work. I’m not excited to go out and explore.  If I’m completely honest, I just want to lay down and sleep for a month. I don’t want to do things that I normally find fun.

In other words, I’m not me.  When I think about that, I feel defiant, and I’m hoping that’s a good thing.  I have things to say, I have things to write, I have things to create.  And I need to push through it and keep going.

Tomorrow I’m going to go to the beach.  I actually don’t want to, which I can’t believe, but it’s true.  I don’t want to do anything tomorrow.  But I’m not going to let myself do that.  I’ve got to push.  I’m going to go.

It will be sunny and bright, and with the breeze on my face, the sun on my back, and my feet in the sand, life will look better.  Life will be better.  Tomorrow I’m going to the beach, and after that, I’m going to push through the next thing, whatever that is.

And maybe talk to my doctor.

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