If I had to define in a single sentence what the goal of my life has been up until this moment, it would be this: looking for nirvana. No, not the band. Nirvana as the state of pure happiness, balance, and stability. The search continues.
That is not to say that I have not tasted it. The first time a piece of code works, shooting a rocket, flying a kite off a dam, standing in my apartment with a pallete of oil paint and a blank canvas in front of me, improvising the music in my head, playing cards with a friend. All these things bring a taste of what might be, but all of these things are also only temporary.
Many people look for nirvana in religion, and many of those seem to find it. I’ve had a taste of it in religion, but it was fleeting. Christianity is the only religion I’ve truly experienced, and the last few years have brought more questions that answers about it.
Lately, though, it has been an almost religious exercise that has brought me my taste of Nirvana. I do believe in a god – that much I cannot deny. Sitting in the peace, and letting that belief wash over me like a warm breeze in the spring time brings a definate peace.
I can look at the mess of things in my life and relax, knowing that I can face them, even if it hurts. Especially if it hurts. Is that nirvana?
I think everything is going to be ok.